my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
