she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
