Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
