he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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