I wannas sexs uuuuu
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize