Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
