I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I deserve this hangover.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
