i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
