Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
