he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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