maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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