i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
