Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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