mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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