Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize