who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
someone owes me an orgasm
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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