I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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