i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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