My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
