This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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