either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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