I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
