Moan for me like Helen Keller
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
