This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize