I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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