and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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