yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
did you just send me my own nude
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
