I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
