I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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