i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
