So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Randomize
