standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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