Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
