Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
