oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
