i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
