my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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