Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize