I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
