WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
