Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
