I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
