Please, let me fuck your mom
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
