this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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