It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
