You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
