drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
