Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
