she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
