if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
