I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
