mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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