Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I think I just sharted jello shots
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
