remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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