Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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