They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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