my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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