I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
