If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
