I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
