Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
People in love make me want to vomit
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
