Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
