A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
