Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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