Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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