I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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