why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
