Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
